brit humour

A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.

feel free to add.....

A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector; until the kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had taken all the fun of it away."
"Don't be a fool, my boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."

...then there was the vampire bat walked into a pub...

'pint of blood please landlord'

'sorry only beers and spirits' came the reply

'ok, pint of boiling water then'

the bat then produced a used tampon from under his wing

the barman scratched his head. 'what the fuck....'

'never heard of tea bags?'

man chats woman up in a club

'can i take you home and give you a good rogering?' he asked

'sorry' she said. 'i'm on my menstrual cycle'

'no problem' he replied 'i've got my honda outside'

stamp collecting

philately.... flattery

you british? or here on a 40 day visa?

Old one but I  still love it

________________________

A French football fan, a German football fan and an English football fan are
all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a
sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for
the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are
all sentenced to death.


However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able
to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.


By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
the whipping, the Sheikh announced "It is my first wife's birthday today,
and she has asked me to allow you one wish before your whipping."


The Frenchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said,
"Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only
lasted10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done,
he had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.


The German was next up. After watching the Frenchman's pain in horror, he
said smugly "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could
only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and again the German was
led away whimpering loudly (as they do!)


The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything the
Sheikh turned to him and said. " You are from a most beautiful part of
theworld and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you
mayhave two wishes". "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The
Englishman replied. "My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but
100 lashes".  "Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very
brave" said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face. If a 100 lashes is
what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?.


"Tie the Frenchman to my back".

and here's another brill one from the archives:

__________________________________

There are two monkeys and one woman on a research mission aboard the
 Space Shuttle. There's a call from HQ, for the first monkey to come
 to the TV monitor. The monkey is instructed to check the pressure in
 the main compartment, increase the oxygen mixture by 10% and decrease
 the temperature in engine four by 4.8 degrees. The monkey goes off
 and performs all the tasks as asked.

 HQ calls again, this time for the second monkey, who is told to
 increase the carbon dioxide levels, check the solar radiation unit,
 and increase the output of the fuel injection system by 12.4%. Off
 goes the second monkey and does all his jobs.

 Later on, HQ calls again and asks for the woman. She comes to the
 monitor, and just before HQ could issue her instructions she
 interupts, "Yes, yes, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch
 anything"

 ......

I know a man that actually did that with Salmon on his shoulder, was sooooo funny, I hadn't heard the joke before he did it in our local shop.

Quality.

I think I've got about half a gig of jokes..

____________________________________

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
his  English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one
day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him - "very quick."                                         
   
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:           
           
        LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"                                
          
        POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."            
          
        LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case? Does either
of you have a real grudge?"                                       
         
        POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."                 
         
        LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"                
          
        POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."                      
          
        LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"            
          
        POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
          
        LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"                           
         
        POLE: "No, I always up before her."                            
          
        LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"                               
         
        POLE: "No, she white."                                         
         
        LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"                        
          
        POLE: "She going to kill me."                                  
          
        LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"                           
         
        POLE: "I got proof.                                            
          
        LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"                                  
          
        POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and
put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

I've never got that either and I heard that one at school.

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
 different emotions e.g. fear etc.
 
 On the night of the party, the first  guest arrives and the host
 opens  the  door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted  on  his chest.
 
 He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit,  what  emotion have you come
 as?"
 
 And the guy says," I'm green with NV".  The host replies, "Brilliant,
 come on in and have a drink."
 
 A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the
 host opens the  door  to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking
 with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate Parts.
 
 He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you  come
 as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come

 on in and join the party."
 
 A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and
 the  host  opens the door to see two Irish blokes,  Paddy and Mick,  standing
 stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other
 with his knob stuck in a pear.
 
 The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you
 both doing? You could get arrested standing out there in the street
 like that.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything the
Sheikh turned to him and said. " You are from a most beautiful part of
theworld and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this you
mayhave two wishes". "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The
Englishman replied. "My first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes, but
100 lashes".  "Not only are you an honourable person, you are also very
brave" said the Sheikh with an admiring look on his face. If a 100 lashes is
what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?.

now that is funny!!!!