Anti-Jokes

 
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7 years ago
Breadmaster
djmups Pic5940 Posts
Haiti
Music Style ...
Heres a few to get us going...



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a
bridge?
She wasclinically depressed and took her own life because ofher terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind abush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.
7 years ago
Downie
Downie Pic8859 Posts
United KingdomYaARkshire
Music Style Heavy fuckin Metal
In reply to
Heres a few to get us going...



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a
bridge?
She wasclinically depressed and took her own life because ofher terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind abush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.


What in the mother fuck.....................eeek

 

Downie

7 years ago
WONGA!
JONNYBOY Pic23547 Posts
Australia
For some reason these really amused me, looking forward to seeing peoples shocked reactions when they read the email I've sent out tomorrow morning lol
7 years ago
Kucing
kucing Pic3361 Posts
Australia
Music Style country
These are hilarious.. I have such a warped sense of humour.

7 years ago
squelch
squelch Pic1128 Posts
United KingdomLeeds
Music Style Techno
seen them before, well funny even if there not supposed to be jokes!
7 years ago
Bob Fryz
bobfries Pic790 Posts
United KingdomNewcastle
Music Style Hard NRG, Breaks, Hip Hop

I say I say, my dog has no nose.

My gosh! how does it smell?

Well it doesn't but it has two ears and a fully functioning pair of eyes; and that kinda makes up for it.

7 years ago
Bob Fryz
bobfries Pic790 Posts
United KingdomNewcastle
Music Style Hard NRG, Breaks, Hip Hop

How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main?

 

 

 

 

 

None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leek by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.

7 years ago
DJ Talcum Powder
reggaetrance Pic7502 Posts
United Kingdombam
Music Style Emo-Supertech

Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.

7 years ago
DJ Talcum Powder
reggaetrance Pic7502 Posts
United Kingdombam
Music Style Emo-Supertech

One day, little Frankie was outside when it started to rain. But the rain was different from the usual rain - this rain was a shiny green substance. Frankie laughed as it fell on him. He opened his mouth and caught it on his tongue. "I will call it 'grooby'!!" he said. Frankie captured a jarful and brought it to his elementary school to show everyone. His friends were jealous and asked what it is. Frankie proudly said "It's 'grooby'!" Later in class, Frankie's teacher saw it and asked him what it is. Frankie said "It's 'grooby'! I named it!" She laughed and went back to the chalkboard. Frankie took his jar of grooby to his science teacher. "Look at my jar of grooby, Mr. Harris!" Mr. Harris said, "Frankie, you shouldn't call it grooby - you should call it 'nuclear waste'. The nearby reactor had a leak causing nuclear acid rain". Frankie gasped. Mr. Harris asked, "Frankie, you didn't happen to drink any did you?" Frankie reluctantly nodded. Harris ended with, "Frankie, I'm afraid you're going to get cancer and die."

7 years ago
Aphlex Penn
15193 Posts
USAPenn State

Why did little lucy fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

7 years ago
dubzmk3
4895 Posts
i love anti-jokes, shaggy-dog stories are good as well if you really want to wind people up.
7 years ago
Synthesizer Patel
jonno Pic2925 Posts
United KingdomCity of Synths
Music Style Bangra Beats
In reply to

One day, little Frankie was outside when it started to rain. But the rain was different from the usual rain - this rain was a shiny green substance. Frankie laughed as it fell on him. He opened his mouth and caught it on his tongue. "I will call it 'grooby'!!" he said. Frankie captured a jarful and brought it to his elementary school to show everyone. His friends were jealous and asked what it is. Frankie proudly said "It's 'grooby'!" Later in class, Frankie's teacher saw it and asked him what it is. Frankie said "It's 'grooby'! I named it!" She laughed and went back to the chalkboard. Frankie took his jar of grooby to his science teacher. "Look at my jar of grooby, Mr. Harris!" Mr. Harris said, "Frankie, you shouldn't call it grooby - you should call it 'nuclear waste'. The nearby reactor had a leak causing nuclear acid rain". Frankie gasped. Mr. Harris asked, "Frankie, you didn't happen to drink any did you?" Frankie reluctantly nodded. Harris ended with, "Frankie, I'm afraid you're going to get cancer and die."


yawnyawnyawn

There's an englishman, a Jew and an arab sitting in a pub 

what a prime example of an inter-racial community

 

 

How many pholidomides does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they can't reach - they have to either get someone else to do it for them or sit in the dark

7 years ago
dB
spacefunky Pic7237 Posts
Canada
i laughed though laughing
2 years ago
FLICK
princeFLICK Pic103 Posts
United KingdomManchester
Music Style Hard House ,Hard dance
Knock Knock who's there ? DHL sign for this please
2 years ago
JayMarie
yknot Pic16574 Posts
TuvaluJazz
Music Style Spazz
Why was the fireman buried on top of the hill?

Because he was dead.
2 years ago
Sir Digby
djpassion Pic8846 Posts
United KingdomBaker Street Doss
Music Style Durum, durum, durum
man walks into the doctors,

"doctor, doctor i feel like a pair of curtains"

the doctor pauses for a second and replies

"thats the least of your worries, you have aids."
2 years ago
Optimus Jones
2375 Posts
WalesEuphoricwobbly
Music Style hoovertech

Knock knock

 

who's there?

 

Lee

 

Lee who?

 

Lee Shields thumbsup

2 years ago
rY
tommyb Pic2909 Posts
United Kingdom
Music Style House
what's pink and fluffy
























pink fluff

Post edited by owner 05/12/2009 17:34:08
2 years ago
Optimus Jones
2375 Posts
WalesEuphoricwobbly
Music Style hoovertech

Whats brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

2 years ago
rY
tommyb Pic2909 Posts
United Kingdom
Music Style House
What do you get if you let Jordans baby play with glue



























Sticky Black Spastic

2 years ago
One for the doctor...
rob_B Pic19254 Posts
USA
Knock knock. Who's there? A thread from 2004.
2 years ago
Lala
AlanL Pic598 Posts
IrelandLaois
Music Style Diddly Diddly
what's did the deaf, dumb, blind, legless, armless orphan getting for xmas?

cancer eeek
2 years ago
Optimus Jones
2375 Posts
WalesEuphoricwobbly
Music Style hoovertech
laughingthumbsup @ Rob

Post edited by owner 05/12/2009 18:40:58
2 years ago
Ziggy Marlon
49044 Posts
Why was the prostitute crying?


Because it's a natural human reaction during specific emotional turmoil.





2 years ago
DOT
dot Pic1877 Posts
What did the cow say to the sheep ?

Nothing because cows can't talk and even if they could the sheep wouldn't understand because they can't talk either.

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